And Goodbye.

Yesterday was our due date, February 21st, 2013. It’s officially come and gone. I feel like I’ve been waiting for that day all year, wondering if we’d even make it to the day before we had a baby. We could have had a baby by now! And as we anxiously waited and counted the days {literally} until February 21st, I thought I’d be so excited to finally reach this day, THE day.

But I wasn’t.

I’ve been so surprised by how sad I’ve been at the end of my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong–I can hardly wait until the baby is here, and I’ve died of happiness on numerous occasions just thinking about what our family will be like when s/he is finally here–but at the same time, I can barely stand the thought of what it will be like when he’s not inside me anymore.

When I can’t feel his little wiggles and know, instantly, that he’s ok.

When I have to share the kicks, hiccups, hand movements, and heel nudges with everyone else.

When I can’t take him with me everywhere I go {I’m already dreading going back to work full-time in August, much less the increased course load I’ll have starting in April}.

All of these amazing things I’ve grown so accustomed to feeling 24/7 will someday have to stop, and the thought makes me so sad–almost as much as the happy feelings I get when I think about holding him in my arms for the first time. Almost.

But the most irrational tears start when I think of that moment when I have to hand him to someone else–even for a moment–for the first time. Even if that person is Peder, and even if it’s just for a moment, I just can’t imagine not holding him, and having to part with him for the first time. Every time I think about it, it sends me to tears. Then send in the thoughts of random relatives over at our house, all wanting to hold him and love him for all the right reasons, but ultimately holding him when I cannot–and I completely break down.

It’d be funny, except that it’s a real fear.

So I spent the majority of yesterday in such a weird funk, because instead of celebrating this day–the baby’s day–that we’ve been waiting for for so long, all I could think about was how our time together was coming to an end. True, we are entering a new chapter of amazingness, but it will be different from everything I’ve known these last 10 months. And for a girl who thrives on expectations, the unknown can be terrifying.

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